Parental Journal 29 from Planet Elderly – Thanksgiving Visit Part Two

Posted on November 30, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Thanksgiving Day – Nov. 26, 2015 – early afternoon

Mom and I went over to visit Dad earlier than usual. The Chicago Thanksgiving parade was on TV, so we enjoyed watching it with others. Dad seemed quite mystified by what he saw…able to identify some things but not others. He enjoyed seeing “all the queens,” however, he could not make sense of marching bands.

It was kind of a loud morning in the Sunshine Wing. One lady kept trying to take her sweatshirt off. Constantly. As a result, a staff member had to sit next to her and help monitor her behavior while she yelled and carried on. Usually she is rather quiet. She’s blind and will often ask “Where am I?” Today, however, she took center stage. Staff had to watch her constantly.

While one lady kept trying to get undressed, another kept insisting that she had to go to the bathroom. She, too, was in top voice form today…eventually referring to everyone as “idiots” because they would not take her to the bathroom. Staff members kept reminding her that she had just gone to the bathroom, but she didn’t believe them. Eventually, she was rolled down the hall to have another “go” at going. I hope she was happy.

Mom, Dad, and I had a table to ourselves during lunch. The Thanksgiving dinner was quite nice, but Dad was only interested in his salad, the roll, coffee, and a small slice of apple pie. He doesn’t like green beans. He prefers his dressing to be dry and crisp. Today’s wasn’t. He doesn’t care for mashed potatoes, but he ate a few bites of sweet potatoes and a couple bites of turkey. The turkey was typical sliced stuff that’s mass produced from birds bred and raised in commercial farm hell, so it didn’t appeal to me either, but I enjoyed all the other carbs…of course.

When Mom and I got home, we immediately changed into our pajamas. Now we’re in leisure mode for the rest of the day and evening. She’s been upstairs organizing her new wallet which she thinks is too big. I showed her how it fits nicely in the new purse I bought her, so she has agreed to use the new purse with the new wallet. Lord only knows what she’s putting where. I just hope she puts her driver’s license and medical cards where she can easily find them. She is always and forever rummaging through a purse to look for things. It’s maddening for me to watch and I often have to leave the room.

Monday, Nov. 30, 2015 – morning

Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving were difficult days in some respects. Mom seemed more emotional and reactive. I was tired and bored of just sitting around. I remember driving back to Missouri yesterday feeling emotionally drained. At least we had Mom’s friend, Toni, over for beef stew lunch on Sunday and that seemed to go well. Toni did all the talking and brought some chocolate chip cookies.

Mom decided the wallet was too big, so we got an inexpensive small one. Of course, it’s too small, so I coached her in how to use it to carry just the important cards: driver’s license, health cards, library card, etc. She has another pouch she keeps cash in…and then a couple other gadgets stuffed with various business cards and whatnot…including the driver’s license we replaced. This tells me that her lost wallet did not contain her driver’s license, nor, I learned later, did it contain any medical insurance cards. We had had that wallet organized, but she moved everything around again. Oh, well.

Mom and I argued a bit on Saturday. I tried to stay calm and patient during the visit and avoid trying to rationalize things with her, but I failed now and then. It’s all kind of a blur now, but here’s what I remember:

1. At one point I asked her what I’m supposed to think when I see her spending five minutes trying to dial a phone number with the cable remote…and when that didn’t work out, with the TV remote. Her response: “Well. I get them confused.” Yup.

2. During one emotional outburst she once again wished she was dead…said I might as well put her away…she can’t take it anymore. An hour later she’s telling me how much she enjoys her townhouse.

3. She mentioned a few times the need to find a job.

4. She told me she was tired of me always watching her…that I make her nervous and when will I be leaving.

5. She is absolutely convinced Dad uses her name to get things sent to the house…that he can walk up the stairs if he wants to…that he must be having someone help him do things she doesn’t know about.

6. She claims he goes to other doctors and doesn’t tell her.

I had a brief conversation with the nurse on duty when Mom was out of the community room area. Apparently Mom called Dad’s previous doctor and told him he needed to be at last Thursday’s conference meeting. The doctor called and was told that he did not need to be there…that Mom was confused…that she gets confused a lot. “We didn’t realize that,” was the response from the doctor…or whoever called on his behalf. That’s a bunch of bull because I’ve sent this doctor three confidential letters stating concern for my mom’s confusion…requesting that he or another specialist check it out. Nothing. All he does is make an appointment for her every few months to check in, and, of course, collect a nice Medicare payment.

Overall, Mom is healthy. The short term memory loss is getting worse, but her blood work is fine and she goes up and down three levels of stairs quite easily. She is confused, has short-term memory problems, is nervous and often has faulty thinking. I know there are some medicines that could help her, but when I mention that possibility she flatly states that she’s never been a pill taker. She has two prescriptions she takes, but that’s it. She does not want to take anymore medicine…and she has the right to reject that option.

What I noticed during this visit was her many references to when she was put in an orphanage as a child. She had a very difficult childhood and at times the scars seem quite raw. She talks about never having been loved or hugged…not getting any candy when other kids received some…leaving the orphanage and remembering other kids telling her, “Never come back. Never come back.” I know she fears ending up like the other patients in Dad’s dementia wing; it would represent being put away in another type of orphanage.

I try to see things from her perspective, but it is difficult. My thinking is a bit clearer, I can read mail and understand it, and I remember things better than she does…at least for now. It seems as if she is desperately hanging on to threads of “normalness,” but inside she is terrified. And that is so difficult to watch day in and day out.

I cried a lot the last two days of this visit. I’m feeling a bit helpless because she won’t accept help, which is her right. She is maintaining a home, taking care of herself, and driving. I think a closer investigation into her confusion and short-term memory loss would be helpful. But it would be helpful to me. She doesn’t want to know.

During this visit I wrote notes about the different bank accounts and incoming funds. Went to the library and made extra copies for her. This is information she cannot keep straight. While there, she agreed to get a large print book to read. That’s good. She enjoys reading, but hasn’t done so in months. Reading a novel gets her away from her own world, so I hope she enjoys the book.

Now…I’m home in Missouri for a while. Plan to go back up Dec. 20 and return after Christmas if the weather cooperates. I’m not sleeping well at night, but at least there are naps.

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Parental Journal 28 from Planet Elderly: Thanksgiving Visit Part One

Posted on November 27, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Sat. Nov. 21, 2015 – Trip to Mom’s delayed due to snow storm in her area. She has called me multiple times telling me not to come, so I assured her that I would wait until after the snow. The plan is to leave for Bloomington tomorrow morning and spend the night there at an AirBnB location. Then head up to Grayslake, IL Monday. I’m figuring that most main roads will be cleared by Monday. I’ll just take my time.  Mom called and reminded me to bring the checkbook because she has a doctor bill to pay.

Wed. Nov. 25, 2015 – evening – Plans for the trip changed and I decided to drive it all at once on Monday. I just wasn’t sure what road conditions would be like in the NW suburbs of Chicago, but true to form, they were clear even with cold temps.

Received a phone message from Mom Sunday. She sounded upset and told me not to come up because she didn’t want me going through her drawers or Dad’s. “We’re not dead yet.” Then she hung up. This seemed like another example of her faulty thinking…that Dad (or maybe I) sneak into her house and take money. Turned out the drive up there on Monday went well weather wise and when I rang the doorbell, she acted like she was expecting me. I had stopped at the store to pick up some chicken and sweet potatoes so I could make us dinner. She was delighted because she “hadn’t had time to go to the store.”

At least her refrigerator had some stuff in it that showed signs of a recent trip to the store:
1. Four Red Baron pizzas
2. Ice cream
3. A bag of carrots
4. A bag of celery
5. A package of frozen ravioli

On the other hand, there were signs of forgetfulness:
1. Two opened jars of Ragu spaghetti sauce with mold inside
2. Various quarts of milk with overdue dates…but they didn’t smell spoiled.
3. A rotting tomato resting in a dish of rather old apples
4. No bananas – her favorite everyday fruit at breakfast
5. Old, partially wrapped bacon

She enjoyed the chicken dinner and was delighted that I brought a loaf of homemade pumpkin bread with me.

Mom broke down emotionally the first night I was there. She talked about feeling like she was “losing her mind” and didn’t know what to do about it. She wasn’t sleeping well. When I asked if she wanted to talk to Dr. D. about how she felt, she said, “No.”

There’s an interesting dynamic going on here, I suppose. Mom needs some help with her confusion, forgetfulness, and stress and knows it, but refuses to acknowledge that a doctor’s visit and maybe some medicine might help. I believe she is fearful…afraid that she is becoming like some of the people in Dad’s wing of Victory Lakes. I, of course, know she needs to see a doctor, but I feel unable to force her to go. One, she’d refuse, or if I tricked her into going, she’d walk out once we got there. Two, I’m still the child who hates to hear her mother yell at her.  Bottom line: she’s capable of making her own decisions and will raise hell if anyone tries to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.

But I think I might have a window of opportunity when it’s time for her next annual visit. She does not like Dr. D, and so once again while chatting in the car, we talked about the idea of changing doctors…getting a woman doctor who specializes in older people. She liked that idea once before, but decided not to follow through. As we visit from time to time, I’ll continue to water that seed of an idea and hope to bring it to fruition.

I believe that at a minimum, Mom would receive some relief from stress and anxiety if she agreed to see a doctor and talk about her symptoms. It’s very sad to return every five weeks or so and see continued deterioration in her short-term memory.  Examples:

1. We went to the bank yesterday to get her some household cash to have on hand and within two hours she said she needed to go to the bank to get some cash.

2. She showed me a pair of old women’s booties and asked if they were mine. I said, “No. Those are yours. I remember them.” She seemed surprised and said, “Who would ever buy such an ugly pair of shoes?”

3. After we came home from doing a few errands yesterday, she announced that she could not find her wallet. We looked everywhere. I called Wal Mart to see if anyone had turned in a wallet. Fat chance, but I thought I’d try. Nope. So today we went to get her a replacement driver’s license and a new wallet. Fortunately, she refuses to own or carry a credit card anymore and most of her other important cards were not in the wallet.

4. She did not worry a lot about the wallet. She was concerned about the household cash she had lost. It wasn’t lost. It was put in its special place…but over and over she could not remember that. It was just stuck in her mind that the wallet was gone and so was her cash.  She went to her rooms several times to find where she put it.Remote to tv

5. I noticed that one of the phone handsets was missing. She didn’t know where it was, but she reached for the TV remote control and thought it was the phone. She tried to put the remote in the charging unit and got it to fit. When I reminded her that it was the TV remote and not the phone, she said, “That’s ok. It fits there for now.” She was right. We eventually found the phone upstairs and put it in the charger.

6. While ready to leave, I noticed Mom putting on some shoes…or at least trying to. I didn’t say anything at first, but as she struggled with seeing how they fit, I finally told her that I thought the shoes were Dad’s. “Oh, probably. I thought they were kind of big,” she said.

When we visited Dad yesterday, he looked good. He was sleeping a bit.Nov 25 2015 He recognizes Mom as his wife. I think he recognizes me as someone familiar, but he does not refer to me by name. Mom and Dad held hands and both seemed relaxed.

I looked around the community room and saw Joan sitting alone. She and her husband, Joe, were always together unless Joe was taking a nap. When I walked by Joe’s room, I noticed his name plate was gone and a nurse told me he died about a week ago. Joan, who was often up and about walking, bopping around to music in her head, fussing over Joe, helping staff organize things in the community room…now sat in a wheel chair, crying. Her right eye was bruised; perhaps she fell. The staff was especially kind to her. The loss of her dear Joe seems to have profoundly affected her and I could not help but wonder how long she would stay around without him. They were devoted to each other.

We signed up to have Thanksgiving dinner with Dad tomorrow, so that should be nice. He is assigned to a table with all men, but we may be assigned to a different table tomorrow with just the three of us. We’ll see.

I’m glad I’ve planned to be with my folks for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. I don’t want them being by themselves or Mom being alone at home after she visits him. At the same time, there is a cloak of sadness …or dread…I feel around me. So many of us deteriorate slowly in our old age, and I now understand why my Mom has been wishing to “just go.” She once said, “Some people just live too long.”

When I’m with my parents and visiting where Dad lives…I see that as the future for so many of us and probably for me as well if I live long enough. This makes me yearn to define quality of life now while I can and to engage in the activities I enjoy…because who knows? I feel an urgency to do and be what I can, yet at the same time, there is a nagging thought of “Why bother?” I live with depression, but at least medicine keeps nagging negative thinking from taking over too much. For now.

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Parental Journal 27 from Planet Elderly: More Disturbing Phone Calls

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Continue reading →

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Parental Journal 26 from Planet Elderly: Phone Calls While Back in Missouri #1

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Sunday, Nov. 1, 2015

While I’m back in Missouri for a few weeks, I’ve been having a few phone conversations with Mom:

First call on Oct. 19: Worried about the insurance reminder she received in the mail. I reminded her that she and dad have signed up for their new insurance and prescription plans and that everything is ok.

Second call on Oct. 19: “What day is it?”

Call on Oct. 20: Mom was worried that there would not be enough funds to take care of Dad. I reminded her of how we are handling that and reassured her that there are enough funds. Then she wanted to know how the premiums for the new health and prescription plans would be paid, and I told her I would arrange for them to be paid by the bank each month.

Call on Oct. 22: Mom received a call saying she had missed her phone appointment to sign up for health insurance and to reschedule her phone advisory appointment. This put her in a tizzy. I called AON and verified that we took care of both Mom and Dad with the same call Oct. 14. That was verified by the advisor, so I called Mom back and told her to ignore any phone calls or mail from AON saying she wasn’t enrolled.

First call on Oct. 23: Mom left a voice message and I called her back. She said Dad wants to come home and she wants him home. Maybe she could have someone at the house during the day, but not at night. She wants to die. She cried and hung up.

Second call on Oct. 23: Mom called back and said she was sorry. She doesn’t want to put me through this. I assured her that it’s okay to call any time she needs to. Then we chatted and laughed a bit. She said she scheduled a mammogram…and that someone had talked her out of one she had scheduled. I reminded her that I was that person. “Yeah…well…my friends say to have one and you never know. Sometimes my breast is sore. I just want to be sure.”

Phone conversation with Mom’s friend, Dorothy on Oct. 24: Dorothy called to tell me about the health insurance plan she will be enrolled in and then she changed the conversation to my mom. Apparently Mom calls Dorothy a couple times a week and asks what day it is. Dorothy is concerned about her. (Another relative, Carol, told me that Mom calls her with that same question as well.)

Call on Oct. 25: Mom called and was crying. “Dad wants a divorce.” I could not get her to give me specific details about where or how he said that. She remembered that he said, “I’ll let you have anything you want.”  To her this meant he wants a divorce. These words hurt her and she said, “I’m never going back.” She continued to talk for a while and I just listened. I decided to wait until the next day to check in with her to see how she was feeling.

Call on Oct. 26: I called Mom and asked how she was feeling. “Better,” she replied. I inquired about her being upset last night thinking Dad wanted a divorce. “I’m not thinking about it. I was up at 2 this morning and made a little chili.” Then she said she was just getting up and mentioned something about a free mammogram, so she had to go.

Other calls on Oct. 26: Mom called about mail she received from Walgreens confirming the termination of their prescription drug plan. She was upset…thinking she and Dad would no longer have any insurance for prescriptions. I called her later and explained that the mail was just verification that effective January 1, 2016, she and Dad will have other insurance for prescriptions. Then she told me she visited Dad. He was doing okay. Didn’t say much.

Call on Oct. 30: Call from Mom. She was upset. “Where are the social security checks deposited?” She went on to say she hates her life and has no money. Once again I explained that she has a checking account…”the gray one marked ‘Mom’s checking’” and she went upstairs to find it. I reviewed the different accounts and explained that things are fine. “But winter is coming and I need a pair of shoes and I don’t have a dime.” I assured her she had a dime and to look at the balance of her checking account. Once she did I lightly said she could buy 20 pairs of shoes if she wants. “I just don’t feel like this is my money.”
Then she talked about how tired she is…she’s losing weight…not wanting to eat…hadn’t been to the grocery store…and she was sorry to complain so much to me. “I need to get a job,” she concluded. She said it would help keep her busy. I didn’t say anything about her not needing to get a job or being too old to get a job. I seems to be an idea she has every now and then. Carrying through on the project is something she most likely will be unable to do.

Call on Oct. 31: Mom said there was a bill from North Shore Gas. Normally that’s supposed to be auto pay, but she could not find anything on the bill that said the amount would be deducted from the checking account. Perhaps she simply could not find that notification on the statement, but she was convinced it was a bill and she would put it on the desk for me to deal with when I come up later in November. She said she had 4 trick or treaters and they were cute. She didn’t want to hand out too much to them because she wasn’t sure how many more would stop by. Then she asked, “What are you doing tonight?” Told her I had just taken a shower and was probably going to watch a movie. She told me to enjoy the evening and then she said good-bye. I did, in fact, watch the classic “The Shining.” Unfortunately it was on a channel with commercials, so it took three hours to finish it.

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Parental Journal 25 from Planet Elderly: “What will you do with the house?”

Posted on October 22, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Wed. October 14, 2015

Mom has a cold. Probably caught it from Dad since she kisses him hello and goodbye. She refuses to use anything except a cough drop, and that’s fine for now. Will watch to make sure she does not develop a fever

Tonight she announced that she would not want to move to Missouri if something happened to Dad. I just let the comment go. It’s her decision as long as she is deemed capable of making her own decisions.

Today we had our phone advisory meeting about changing health insurance options. Walgreens is transitioning all employees and retirees to the sea of health care options out there and has hired AON to assist folks with finding plans that best meet their needs. After 2 hours and 45 minutes we were done. Effective January 1, 2016, both will have a Medigap program and a prescription drug program. I’ll be overseeing all the paperwork, bills, reimbursements, etc. That’s something Mom can’t handle.

She can barely keep track of the Medicare and insurance cards for her and Dad now. Before I left at the end of the last visit, we put Dad’s cards on one side of her wallet and hers on the other. His are still there, but only her Medicare card is in its right place. Her Blue Cross/Blue Shield Walgreens retiree card is missing. I told her it’s probably in the house somewhere and maybe she could look for it later. She missed the whole half hour of “Wheel of Fortune,” and then proudly came down with the two Medicare cards in her hand. I reminded her that the missing card was her Blue Cross/Blue Shield. She went back upstairs for another 20 minutes and then went to the basement laundry area to retrieve dried towels. Neither of us said another word about her missing insurance card.

Thursday, Oct. 15, 2015 – afternoon.

Didn’t feel up to par yesterday and woke up at 3 a.m. today with a cold. I did a little grocery shopping early this a.m. and went back to bed for a couple hours. Mom visited Dad briefly this morning; then she came home and put herself to bed.

I made some delicious homemade chicken noodle soup so we could have that on hand and freeze some for Mom to use at a later date.

Next thing to do is to print out all the information about the new insurance sent to me via email. I’ll make copies for me and Mom. Hopefully, she can find a place to keep the information in case she or someone else needs to refer to it when I’m away.

Thurs. Oct. 22, 2015 – late morning

Had an easy trip back to MO last Sunday…but it is not easy being far away from Mom when I know how extremely confused she is getting.

She called me twice on the 19th. She received a reminder about signing up for new health insurance and I reminded her that she and Dad are all signed up. She can throw away the notification. Later she called to ask me what day it was. Told her it was the 19th.

Mom called again on the 20th and asked about how payments for new health insurance will be made. I told her I’d set up auto pay with the account that pays utility bills. I went over this with her on the 14th, but it is information that is not sticking. She worries all the time about being signed up for the new health insurance and paying for it. She has also told me how grateful she is that I’m helping with these matters. “I know I get a bit crabby at times, but I appreciate all your help.”

After my previous visit, I did not call Mom often. I wanted her to have her space and her privacy, especially since she said several times that she felt like she was being watched all the time. However, after this last visit, I will call her every couple days just to say hi. She has too much alone time to worry and no real outlets for talking about her concerns, so I think it’s good for me to check in on her more frequently. If she doesn’t like it, she’ll tell me.

Before I left on Sunday she said, “If something happens to Dad and me, what will you do with the house?”
“What do you want me to do with it?” I asked.
“Well, what do you want to do with it?” she replied.
We had a gentle conversation as I reminded her that my grandchildren and son live in Missouri.
“You have a lot of friends there, too,” she said.
“Yes,” I replied. “And I don’t have anything meaningful here. There would be no reason for me to live here.” She nodded her head, and I assured her that it would not be easy to sell the house because I know how much she likes it and how comfortable and safe she feels here. It’s too difficult to write that sentence in the past tense.

She thinks a lot about death and dying…worries about Dad dying and what she can do to prevent it. When it comes to herself, she will often say, “I just want to go quick.” I nod my head and say, “Don’t we all.”

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Parental Journal 24 from Planet Elderly: “She was always a pretty good girl.”

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Into day three of fifth visit. Mom’s short term memory seems worse to me, and I’m trying to be patient and stay calm because she is so easily upset. I’m doing a pretty good job so far because she keeps saying, “I’m so glad you’re here.” Plus, I continually remind myself to try to see things from her perspective.

Mom can sit around and have an interesting and fun conversation like anybody else. Of course, she repeats stories from the past over and over and over and over. I expect that and just listen and laugh along with her.

On the other hand, she cannot keep appointments and dates organized. She writes different things on different calendars…then she writes little messages on pieces of papers. It’s not unusual to find her at the dining room table searching among scraps of paper and calendars…reading, rereading, picking up and putting down. She’s trying to stay organized, but has developed a complex system that doesn’t work. We’re correcting calendar errors and putting correct appointment information on ONE piece of paper. At least it will be that way until I go back to MO.

She also has difficulty making phone calls to doctors’ offices because she usually runs into a phone tree. She often presses the wrong number and sometimes disconnects herself. If she’s on her rotary phone, that’s another issue. I’ll give her credit, though, she just gets back on the phone and tries again….and again and again. I don’t offer to take over. She wants to do what she can and if she needs my help, she will ask. I’ve been told that.

I’ve also been told not to put dishes away after I dry them. (With so few dishes, she’s not a fan of the dishwasher, and the last time we used it I think she put liquid dish washing detergent in it because we had a mass of bubbles spewing out of it. She just shut it off and never spoke of it again.) Mom is convinced I put things in the wrong place and she can’t find things where they ought to be. No problem. I dry the dishes and let her put them away. Then…in the future…if she can’t find something, I can plead “not guilty.”

My first evening here we talked a bit about future plans…options that are available. It just sort of came up at the right time, even though I had planned to bring it up later during my visit. So many times when she calls me she is upset and ready to give up…saying she doesn’t know how long she can keep doing this. I want her to know that she does have options…both here in Illinois and in Missouri. So we talked about them a bit…and she didn’t go ballistic.

Mom was very clear that she does not want to move to the community to where Dad is because if he should die, she would not want to stay there…so then why move. I agree. She did say that she would consider moving to MO after Dad dies, which is different from what she has said in the past. For now she is happy where she is and feels safe.

Yesterday she asked, “How old is Daddy?”
“You don’t know?” I asked.
“No.”
“Well, how old do you think he is?”
“Oh…in his 80s?”
“He’s 93, Mom.”
“He IS?”
Then I reminded her that I am 68. She didn’t seem to believe me.

Before visiting Dad today we went to the bank so Mom could get some cash on hand. We also took out tons of stamps Dad had in the safety deposit boxes. Mom has decided it’s time to do something with them. I volunteered to try to organize them and get some appraisals. It’s a pretty large project because he was a stamp collector for most of his life. Once organized and appraised, Mom wants to sell the stamps and add the funds to the account that pays for his care. It will be very interesting to sort through them…a unique look at history and the world.

After visiting Dad Mom asked, “Do we need to go to the bank today to get some cash?” I reminded her that we went this morning. She didn’t quite believe me until I told her how much she withdrew and that we took stamps home. Then she remembered that we were there.

For the past two days Dad has been groggy and sat with his eyes closed, unable to open them. He has also acquired a cold with runny nose and chest congestion. Lunch yesterday was a bit scary because he would sometimes choke as he tried to cough and eat at the same time. Today he was wide awake and much more animated and conversational. He still has a very loose, chesty cough and receives some medicine for it. We didn’t take him to the dining room. We had him eat some fruit in the common area where most of the others eat. He refused to eat the homemade turkey rice soup, which made Mom mad, so she ate it and told him he didn’t know what he was missing. Of course, he could not hear her. When offered some pudding, he loudly announced, “I don’t like pudding.” It went untouched.

Mom and Dad June 2015

Mom and Dad June 2015

At one point when Mom sat down next to Dad he looked at her and said, “Where do you creep up from? I’ll just have to call you creepy!” The look on her face was priceless…but his comment made me laugh.  She just asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
“How am I going to get more money?” he asked. Then he said, “I must have been working at Walgreens.”

Toward the end of our visit Dad was giving advice. “I don’t want you people to overdo what you do. I don’t want to get in your way. Looks like you’re doing okay.”  I assured him that everything is fine, but then Mom put him to the test.

“Who is she?”
“Huh?”
“Who is that lady next to you?”
“Oh…I have no idea.”
“She’s your stepdaughter.”
“My what?”
“Your stepdaughter, Jeanette.”
“Oh…well. That’s okay.”

After more advice from Dad, Mom left the area to check on something in his room.
“She was always a pretty good girl,” Dad said. So I asked him, “Were you a pretty good guy?” He just smiled and chuckled. He got the joke. Ha!

His parting words to me today were, “Don’t worry that you have to get everything done. Just go along.” I promised him I would.

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Parental Journal 23 from Planet Elderly: Tomorrow I Return to Check In on Folks

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Oct. 9, 2015   afternoon

I take off tomorrow for the 8 hour drive to visit my folks.  Will make the trip all in one day instead of staying overnight half way.

A few days ago I received a call from Victory Lakes.  Mom had left crying.  She had Dad in his room and was yelling at him.  The staff were alarmed…called the situation “difficult.”  Wanted me to know they fetched him and brought him to the common area.  Certainly, yelling at elderly Alzheimers patients is not acceptable…and here they have her yelling at him.  That’s what she has always done when frustrated.  During my next visit I hope to find a time to gently point out that no one is allowed to yell at the residents.  I’m not sure she’ll remember the incident.  I’m pretty sure she won’t be able to refrain from yelling at him from time to time.

Spoke with Mom a few minutes ago.  She was crying.  A large bill came for Dad’s care and she was upset.  I reminded her that those bills are paid automatically, but she could not find any indication that it would be withdrawn.  She felt better after I reassured her that there is a money market account available to pay Dad’s expenses…I’ll look at it when I get there tomorrow.  She was relieved.

Then she cried some more.  Had a bad day while visiting Dad.  She doesn’t like the way he speaks to her.  She got angry and left upset.  Said she just wants to sell the house and get a one bedroom apartment.  He can carry on without her. He talks nicely to other people, but bosses her around.  Feels like divorcing him… running away.  Then she said she was worried because she has no money and no one will hire an 89-year-old…maybe they would around Christmas time when stores need help, but not now.  I reminded her that she does have money available.  She just has to go to the bank and withdraw what she needs.  I explained where the social security and the pension checks are deposited…and because she receives those funds, she does not need to work.  She sounded surprised and happy.

Her head is stuck in the past.  One received a paycheck and took the paycheck to the bank.  Then one put the money in a bank account and kept a little cash on hand.  “I just have to remember that it’s automatic and I just need to go to the bank if I want some cash,” she said.  Yup.  But she won’t remember.

It was a good phone talk today.  She needed to vent and she even apologized a bit, but was firm that she would not visit him tomorrow or maybe even for a while.  I told her it was fine to take a break.

“I have to make some decisions.  I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this.  Sometimes I think if I didn’t wake up it would be fine…or if I was killed in a car crash.  Then it would all be over.”  These are difficult words to hear from her, but not unexpected.  She has said similar things before when burdened with more than she can handle, but unwilling to admit it is more than she can handle.  Under no circumstances does she want anyone telling her what to do.  She’s one of those.  Plenty of caregivers on the Alzheimers.org discussion boards know exactly what I mean.

Getting things packed.  I put two bottles of white wine in the trunk of my car.  Will need an occasional glass some evenings while I’m up there.  I’ll finish packing the rest of the stuff after dinner tonight with stepdaughter  and her family.  The plan is to be out the door and on the road fairly early tomorrow morning…probably before 6:30 a.m.

Mom said she’s looking forward to having me there.  I’ll bring my big shoulder…and some hugs.

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Parental Journal 22 from Planet Elderly: Uneasy Time Away in Missouri

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

September 11, 2015 evening

I’ve been home in mid-MO for a few weeks. At first I felt numb because not only did I have elderly parents in northern Illinois, I had other family members with drama going on here in Missouri, and all I could do was sleep a lot, spend a bit of time with gal pals, and wait to see my psychologist. Two visits with my psychologist later, I’m feeling more grounded, but always on edge. I continually expect to receive some emergency call that will take me away from home and back onto Planet Elderly.

Have only spoken to Mom a couple times. She’s doing okay, although I learned from her neighbor, Kevin, that she already had her Oct. 6 eye exam. She was worried about it, called the doctor’s office 15 times, and they agreed to do it a few days ago.

Spoke with her last night. She seemed in a good mood. Later she called me back to see which phone number was mine. Then she talked about not having any money or a bank account of her own, so I reminded her of her bank account situation and she felt better.
Since neighbor Kevin is my angel of sorts, voluntarily checks on Mom frequently and helps her out, I sent him a copy of the book The 36-Hour Day. He called yesterday to thank me. Apparently he’s a bit amazed to read about dementia, memory loss, and Alzheimers.

Was planning to go up to see Mom Oct. 4 because she had that Oct. 6 eye doctor appointment. Now she doesn’t, but she will have an assigned date and time to be on the phone with an adviser to help her transition to a different supplemental health insurance plan. I’ll need to be there at that time. Kevin said the mail with that information has not arrived, but he would keep me posted when it does.

September 14, 2015 8 a.m

Received a call from Kevin. Mom’s cell phone died. It’s a basic flip model from Consumer Cellular. According to Kevin, the battery was bad and he claimed no one makes a replacement battery. Hmmmm. Maybe.

I’ll just get her a replacement phone…same model because it’s familiar to her…get it activated, add some phone numbers I know and then send it to her.

Maybe this week I’ll learn when I’ll be going back up. It depends on the date we’re scheduled to talk to a supplemental health insurance adviser.

I have a gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach at the thought of going up there. I should feel more compassionate.

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Parental Journal 21 from Planet Elderly: “Let Me Call You Sweetheart”

Posted on August 28, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Thurs. Aug. 27, 2015  5 p.m.

Ending visit number four…with a few bruises, but also with some clarity.

Mom’s mood swings have been up and down a lot. It’s fear and confusion, and it’s difficult to watch. The two or three times I’ve gently said that we need some outside help…we need to see a doctor to help us understand why she is confused…she became extremely upset. We’ve had a few arguments, although I try to avoid explaining too much because it doesn’t do much good. However, I was exasperated at one point when she was particularly loud and defensive, and I told her if she refuses to go see a doctor, I may have to consult a lawyer. Her response: “Go ahead! Put me away! Do what you want. You always did anyway!”

We had our conference visit today with staff about Dad’s care. He attended with us. He’s quite stable, eats the most at breakfast, and does not really engage too much in planned activities. Mom said she wants more therapy to help him walk so he can come home. The director of social services explained that they can try to evaluate him to see if he can try therapy again, but it ended several weeks ago because Dad could not remember instructions like “step” and “pivot.” She said Dad’s brain is not understanding things…that this is part of his disease. Mom just knows that before he came he was walking to the bathroom with a walker by himself at night. Now he can’t. It was agreed that when they do the evaluation with Dad, Mom can be present to see how it goes…to be his “cheerleader.” She liked that idea. All staff members are incredibly kind and understanding…to patients, residents, and family members.

Because of Mom’s volatility and confusion, I did the following yesterday:

1. Looked up potential lawyers in case we need elder care assistance.

2. Spoke to staff at both of her banks and requested that they send me a written note stating that they have observed her being confused when working with her bank accounts. One bank said there would be no problem. The person at the other bank wasn’t sure anyone could write a letter like that, but the supervisor would be informed of the request when she returned to work on Friday.

3. Spoke with Jose, the office person for my Mom’s primary care physician. I told him that my mom refuses to see any doctor about her confusion and asked what we are supposed to do in such a situation. He said that per HIPPA, no one can force a patient to go to a doctor. He would tell the doctor of my concerns. My thinking is that her doctor should at least be willing to refer her to a geriatric specialist or neurologist, and then if she refuses, he has at least done his part.

Mom had some angry moments when we visited Dad today…and lots of tearful ones. At one point I reached for his cup to get him some coffee at lunch and she angrily said, “I’ll do it!” So I started walking away to give myself some space. She then came up to me and said, “If you walk away from here, I’ll never speak to you again!”

I walked away and sat in the reception area. She came over and said, “Are you going back in?”

“I need some space for a bit.”

“So do I,” she replied, and she went back to sit with Dad during lunch.

A short while later she came back to the lounge area crying. “He doesn’t want to eat.” I told her to sit and relax and that I’d try to get him to eat something. He ate most of a roll and a few bites of baked salmon. He didn’t want anything else, so Mom joined us and decided she wanted to go home. We took him back to the common area of the Sunshine wing and then left.

The day is ending quietly. Mom and I reviewed some bank items and some information about her health insurance. We talked about how I’ll be back Oct. 4, and I wrote it on her calendar. I would not be surprised to be called to return before Oct. 4…but I look forward to some calmer days with friends and family back in Missouri. I leave tomorrow morning.

I know some people in my position would choose to go in like gangbusters and take over everything. I’m going at a slower pace. I have to. Mom is capable of taking care of herself and the house. She is weak on remembering some things, but basically gets by. I have no legal authority at this time to take over. Her confusion may be treatable, but if it is dementia, I will need a diagnosis. We may also just find ourselves dealing with one or more emergencies until Mom finally admits she needs help.

I watched my parents today and began to feel something different. It was when Gail, one of the caretakers, played the piano and sang “Let Me Call You Sweetheart.” Mom’s eyes teared up, and I began to grieve.

Examples of Mom’s Recent Confusion:

1. She went into the kitchen to make tuna sandwiches. Ten minutes later I found a sandwich made with old salami.

2. Several times a day she refers to the driver’s test she needs to take. I explain over and over that it is an eye exam that will take place Oct. 6 at 10:15. Ten minutes later she is usually anxious because she has to make an appointment with her eye doctor.

3. Today she said she needed to go to the bank to get $50 so that she has some money. I reminded her that we cashed a large check two days ago and she has a stash of $20s in her special place.

4. The back burner of the stove was left on “warm” overnight. We had a snack before bedtime last night. Neither of us checked. She’s usually quite diligent about the stove and the front door, so I think this was just a slight mistake. I know I’ve left the damn oven on overnight a few times in my life.

5. A statement came from Comcast. It’s one of the regular bills that is paid automatically. Mom poured over it for quite a while and then brought down a bank book to write a check. Finally, she realized that it was a notification of what will be deducted from the checking account in September. I told her she just needed to deduct that amount from the check book register. Then I heard her plugging numbers on the microwave. I said nothing. After the microwave went off, she sat down with a pencil and paper. It took her about 20 minutes to subtract the amount of the bill from the bank balance. Then she gave it to me to make sure she did it correctly. She did. “I don’t like to mess with the bank books. I don’t want to do anything wrong. It makes me nervous.”

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Parental Journal 20 from Planet Elderly: “My Eye Popped Out”

Posted on August 25, 2015 by Jenny Mummert

Sunday, Aug. 23, 2015 6 a.m.

Last night at 11 p.m. Mom received a call from Victory Lakes telling her that Dad is okay, but that he sustained a laceration on his leg…something about when he was in the bathroom. Mom couldn’t remember exactly what was said, and the person who called spoke with a Spanish accent, which didn’t help Mom’s comprehension.

I woke up at 4 to find lights on. Mom was downstairs rummaging through a drawer of miscellaneous pieces of paper. Decided I was up for the day, so I made coffee and read while she rummaged. She ignored me for a while, but finally said something about “that letter about my eyes.” I reminded her that we put the letter on the refrigerator and attached to it is the form the doctor has to fill out. She took it off the refrigerator and read through it…then saw the note I had written on it reminding her that she has an appointment on Oct. 6. She was quite relieved to know the letter was safe and that she has an appointment.  She went back to bed about 30 minutes ago.

Monday, Aug. 24, 2015 afternoon

Mom keeps asking about a driving test she has. She forgets that it’s an eye appointment on Oct. 6 to determine if she will still be assessed as having vision good enough to drive. She has asked about the appointment at least five times today.

Today she admitted to some confusion about something. I took this opportunity to plant another seed: “Well, I still think it would be good to see a doctor to find out what is causing the confusion and forgetfulness.” She ignored the remark…but at least she didn’t get angry.

Last night we were chatting and she told me of “that strange feeling I had when my eye popped out.”

“What??”

“Yeah, my eye popped out.”

“What do you mean, your eye popped out? Which one?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, when did this happen?”

“About a month ago.”

“Your eye actually popped out?”

“Well, it felt like it did.”

“Did you tell a doctor about it?”

“No. It went away. There was nothing to tell.”

“Are you going to mention it to your eye doctor when you see him Oct. 6?”

“Probably not.”

“Hmmmm. I wonder if it might have been some kind of mini stroke.”

“Who knows? It’s fine now.”

Of course, I went online later and googled “eyes felt like they were popping out.” Seems to be a common experience for some folks and it can be related to pressure behind the eye and other things. I plan to go into the examination room with her on Oct. 6 so that I know it gets mentioned…and if she gets pissed off, too bad. She’s becoming an expert at denial and masking things.

Mom saw Dad early this morning and came home within an hour. She thought we had the meeting about supplemental care insurance at Walgreens today. It’s tomorrow. Every day she wakes up thinking it’s the day for the informational meeting for Walgreens retirees, but it isn’t. When she wakes up tomorrow, it will be. There are several well organized steps to complete in order for Mom and Dad to be transitioned from Walgreens supplemental health insurance and I’ll go with her every step of the way.

Informational meeting Aug. 25

In Sept. – new information booklet arrives with a date and time for a 1-2 hour telephone visit with an adviser. I’ve asked her to keep it on the dining room table so I can read through it when I return in early October.

In Oct. – participate in the scheduled adviser visit to decide on what company/plan and to enroll. Before the phone visit, we’ll go online and I’ll help her enter needed information. That will save time during the phone visit.

All of this needs to be completed before Jan. 1, 2016.

Dad was sleepy when we went to visit him after lunch today, but Mom insisted we visit even though she was there this morning. She didn’t want him to feel alone. He slept the whole time we were there.

Ray didn’t sleep, though. Aides were trying to get Wanda from the recliner into her wheelchair and she was having difficulty. Ray kept accusing her of “being lazy.” “She’s lazy, that’s all. She’s just plain lazy. Watch. You’ll get her up and she won’t walk. She’ll sit down in the wheel chair. She’s just lazy. That’s all.” It was the first time I had heard Ray mouth off. He was reminded to be nice and eventually Wanda was wheeled down the hall for her bath time.

Then Ray kept telling the female aide, “I can help you.” He said it three times, louder each time.

“You can help me?” the aide responded. “Help me with what?”

“I can help you get undressed if you want.”

My Mom’s eyes became big as headlights as she shot me an “OMG” look. I could not help but laugh. The aide reminded Ray that his comment was not appropriate, but Ray just said,” I don’t see what’s not appropriate about it.” Ray is 93.

We’re usually in the Sunshine wing in the late morning and sit with Dad while he has lunch in the dining room. I’ve heard that afternoons can “get kind of active.” No kidding.

Recent comments from residents in the Sunshine Wing:

“I want to go home.”

“Where am I?”

“Help me. Please help me. Somebody help me.”

“Hey! Hey! Sit here! You sit here now! Sit here! Hey! Hey!”

“Youth is not forever and old age is no pleasure.”

“Where is everybody?”

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