Parental Journal 49 from Planet Elderly – New Support

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

April 15, 2016 – evening

There is a new administrator at the Village of Victory Lakes where my dad is a resident.  Her name is Jeanne Heid-Grubman and she has been in her position there for about two months.  During that time she’s come to know my mom a bit and has introduced herself.  She seen Mom confused and tearful a few times.  When Mom recently told Jeanne that I was coming to visit, Jeanne suggested that we meet together.

I met Jeanne yesterday.  She gave me her card  and suggested we have a visit.  I said I would call to set up an appointment.  Mom is curious as to why Jeanne wants to speak with us.  I had my hunch…and my hope.  Both were confirmed when I spoke with her on the phone privately this afternoon.

Jeanne shared that in the time she has known my mom she has noticed symptoms of dementia.  Her own mother had Alzheimer’s and Jeanne has worked in the field for many years.  “It’s my passion,” she said.  I brought her up to date on how we’ve been “managing things” over the past year and told her that Mom has an annual exam next Wed. April 20 with her new primary care physician.  I explained that I’ve sent the new doctor some confidential correspondence concerning Mom’s occasional confusion and her short-term memory loss…and that I requested further assessment.

Mom’s doctor visit will be at 9:30 a.m. next Wed.   We have our chat with Jeanne at 2:30 that same day…and Jeanne plans to visit with Mom about what she is experiencing and how she is feeling.  She will try to help her understand what is happening to her … and the options available.  I told Jeanne we had talked about options which include relocating them to Missouri, but for now, Mom wants to stay where she is, although she thinks she’ll lose her driving privilege this year.  Jeanne understands that obtaining a diagnosis is important for me to have and said it should not be difficult.  Her own mother was in complete denial after her diagnosis.

I have no idea how next week will play out…if Mom will cooperate with having further testing…how she will react to Jeanne having a discussion not only about Dad, but about her as well.   I feel a bit of relief.  A key administrator truly knows what is happening, has walked the walk, has worked for many years in the field, and is willing to assist as we continue on this difficult and heart-wrenching journey.

When I researched Jeanne, I found this summary of her background:

Jeanne Heid-Grubman comes to The Admiral at the Lake with over 30 years of experience serving the growing population of older adults. She is the health services administrator for the community. Before joining The Admiral at the Lake, Jeanne worked as healthcare administrator for The Holmstad in Batavia. She has also worked as director of education and outreach for the Alzheimer’s Association in Chicago and as director of dementia services for The Wealshire in Lincolnshire. She currently serves on the board for the Pioneer Network, a group working towards a culture of aging that supports the care of elders where individual voices are heard and respected. Jeanne has contributed to numerous health and wellness publications and is a graduate of the University of Chicago, where she received her master’s degree in social service administration.

Posted in Parental Journal, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Parental Journal 48 from Planet Elderly – Itches and Options Start This Visit

Posted on April 14, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Wed. April 13, 2016 – afternoon

I’ve been here since late Saturday afternoon and the most exciting thing that’s happened is me having to go to an “urgent care” facility to been seen for a rash that would not go away by itself with topical gels.  Mom got a big kick about having to go with ME to get medical care.

I googled “urgent care in Lake County, Illinois,” and learned that the hospital my folks have been associated with has opened some “emergency care” facilities.  Scheduled a 3 p.m. appointment for yesterday, walked in at 2:45 and was seen “immediately.”  They weren’t too busy with walk-ins.  Scheduled folks get priority.  During intake time, I could tell it was a lively group.  I felt like I was on the set of “Nurse Jackie” what with all the kidding and camaraderie.  It was fun…and I got my script for Prednisone.  Amen.

Options???

Mom is dealing with a lot because she admits that she has to decide “what to do” concerning the future.  So she’s been thinking about that often…for at least a year.  It’s a tough subject to think about and I fully understand that.

My long term strategy has been to support Mom by coming up every 5 weeks or so and helping out with paperwork and whatever else.  I thought that maybe by seeing how helpful I can be, she might consider eventually moving down to Missouri.  During this visit, she is the one bringing up the subject.

Today we talked about options again:

  1. Keep going as we’ve been going
  2. Have someone stop by each a.m. and p.m. just to check in and make sure she understands any mail she received or assist with anything else
  3. Moving over to the community where Dad is
  4. Moving both down to Columbia where Dad would be in a similar skilled nursing facility and she could stay with me a while until she decides where she wants to live independently. (The word “independently” is used gently here because I’m fairly convinced she is heading toward assisted living considering her occasional confusion and ever present short-term memory problem.)

For a while today she was ready to get in the car and tour Lenoir Woods.  Ten minutes later she was saying, “I think I should wait a year to see how Dad does.”

Some folks might get frustrated with a parent going back and forth, unable to decide what to do.  Personally, I’m thrilled that we can sit and discuss options calmly and that the idea of eventually moving to Columbia is a viable option for her.  She sees the advantages it would hold for all of us.  Then, again, she thinks such a change for Dad might be difficult because he is doing well with the people and routine where he is now.  That’s a valid concern.

And, of course, the idea of sorting through things and relocating is a HUGE task for her.  I assured her that if she decides to relocate, things can be done in steps and there are professionals who can assist.

I think that as long as Dad is alive, she will probably keep things as they are.  She puts him first—always.  “I’m glad you’re here,” she said today, “but you have to know that Dad is my main concern.”     “Yeah,” I replied, “and you are my main concern.”  Then we chuckled.

Mom and Dad April 2016

I’m keeping things casual and easy going.  Not forcing issues or decisions.  Lots of active listening.  I also talk about how families are advised to make their own plans and decisions before the medical or legal community forces change to happen.

Mom knows that her episode of confusion and going to a neighbor’s house at 5:30 in the morning, which resulted in me getting a call from the Grayslake Police Department was a major event of concern.  She does not deny that it happened, and I think it scared her as much as it concerned me.  “But I’ve been fine for a few days now.  That won’t happen again.  It only happened that once,” she said earlier today.   “Yes, things are fine today, but if it happens again, then we will need to make some changes,” I replied.   She did not reply to that statement.

Double Boiler Pan

Mom organizing pots and pans April 2016I found Mom on the floor organizing pots and pans Monday evening.  When I dry dishes or pots I leave them for her to put away because she claims she can’t find anything when I’m there.  (right…blame the daughter).  Anyway, she pulled out a double boiler pot.  “You want this?” she asked.  “I won’t need it anymore.”

“Sure,” I said.  “I’ll take an early inheritance of a double boiler.  Thanks!”

 

The Sunshine Wing

It’s nice to return to visit Dad and his neighbors in the Sunshine Wing.  Not much changes.  A few people exit out of the unit and transition into a Medicaid funded room when personal funds run out…a few pass away…a few new folks move in.

Dad is doing pretty well.  He recognizes Mom, but isn’t sure about me…although I am familiar to him.  He ALWAYS has a smile for me.  When he wears some hearing assistance, he can more easily respond to questions and comment on things going on around him.  He can’t always finish his thoughts…or they ramble a bit here and there…but we just go with the flow and follow his lead.

Dad - April 2016

Wanda turned 101 last month.  She seems to be harder of hearing.  I walked over to say hello to her.  She had problems hearing me so I leaned closer to her.  “Oh!” she said.  “You have such beautiful hair!” and she stroked and petted my hair.

Wanda would be awesome at a casino craps table somewhere.  She was engaged with the therapist throwing dice and really got into it…closely looking at the dice…moving them in numerical order…counting them.  It was nice to see her so engaged.   Then the therapist bounced a large ball to her.  She caught it and firmly bounced it back…with much vigor.  This went on for about five minutes; then she decided it was “too hard.”  She was probably a badass at volleyball.

Then the therapist turned to my dad and showed him the ball.  “Oh…no…no thank you,” he said, but she bounced it to him anyway, he caught it, and he bounced it back to her a few times.  Her name is Doreen and she told us that sometimes he enjoys reading and participates in sing along time.

Dad is one of the more verbal residents and always says, “Thank you” for anything anyone does for him.  All the nurses and staff members like him and enjoy his sometimes funny comments.

He also has his difficult times when he becomes agitated and yells.  He has to be given medicine to calm him down.  This often happens late night.  More recently, he’s been yelling that he wants to go home.  Wanda yells the same thing once in a while.   I would, too.

Annual Exam

Next Thursday Mom has her annual exam with her new primary care physician.  We went for the blood work Monday.  Dr. Gupta will receive the results before the appointment.  She is aware of some short-term memory loss issues with Mom because she witnessed them in February when we had a brief visit to introduce Mom to her new doctor.  I have written another letter to Dr. Gupta requesting additional testing to assess the cause Mom’s confusion and short-term memory loss.  I hope that happens.

 

Meanwhile…this visit is off to a calm start.   These days are golden, and I’m grateful.

Mom Dad and me April 2016

Posted in Parental Journal, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Parental Journal 47 from Planet Elderly – “Too Much to Worry About and Too Much to Do”

Posted on April 9, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Friday, April 8, 2016  evening

I’m enjoying a beer as I relax this evening.  Blue Moon, as a matter of fact.  It’s a nice, light beer.  Kind of taking the edge off a busy day of packing and getting ready for tomorrow’s trip back up to Mom’s.  It won’t be dull.

I’ve been in MO for several weeks.  During that time I’ve moved.  For most of that time, things were quiet.  However, on Tuesday of this week I received a call from the Grayslake Police Department, Officer Bill Frawley.  He wanted to make me aware of an incident that happened at 5:30 a.m. Monday morning.

Apparently, Mom drove about a block from home and knocked at someone’s door.  She thought she was home in Skokie (where she previously lived). The person who answered clearly saw that Mom was confused, so the police were called.  Officer Frawley arrived, chatted with Mom, and made sure she got home safely.  He said Mom knew who was president, but she thought the year was 1947.  She knew I was coming for a visit.  She was also using a driver’s license that identified Skokie as her home.  He told her he was going to call me.

We visited for quite a while.  I told him of what I’ve been doing for the past year with visits…talked about my dad…Mom’s short-term memory loss…my being an only child living 400 miles away…etc.  He was very supportive…said I was doing all I could under the circumstances.  I also told him Mom has an annual exam April 20 and that I’m pressing her new doctor to do more cognitive assessments.  He took my contact information and my driver’s license number.  He said he would write this up as a wellness check.

Since I’m going up there tomorrow, I decided not to say anything to Mom about the call from Officer Frawley.  This conversation needs to happen in person when she is relatively calm and relaxed…which she hasn’t been for a long time.  She has called crying about having no money…claiming she has no bank accounts…she thinks I receive her Social Security check and pension check…all the usual worries about finances that are stuck in her brain.  I listen and then slowly remind her of the different accounts and tell her she can go to the bank any time and get money if she needs it…that the Social Security and pension checks are automatically deposited into her accounts.  I try to fit in where she is and provide support and reassurance, but to get there, I listen to a stream of delusional thinking.

After the conversation with Officer Frawley, I wrote a letter to Mom’s primary care physician and reported what happened.  I also requested further assessment…asking her not to use the word “dementia” with Mom because if she hears that word she’ll walk out and won’t cooperate.

What I pick up from our recent conversations:

  • She is not eating well.
  • She is not sleeping well.
  • She does not understand mail she receives.
  • She is very tired and stressed.
  • She said she’s afraid to drive.
  • She’s often afraid to answer the door if the bell rings.
  • The dining room table is covered with pieces of paper she has found here and there. She cannot make any sense out of them.
  • She has made some cash withdrawals at one of the banks but claims not to have done so.
  • She doesn’t trust Dad. She thinks he’s taking money out of the bank.
  • She weeps and often speaks of not wanting to live: “I hope I die.”  “Maybe I should just throw myself under a bus.”  “All I want to do is run away.”  This has been reported in my letter to Mom’s doctor who specializes in treating the elderly.

Clearly Mom is deteriorating.  I need to check in and we need to have some serious talks about options.  I may even call Officer Frawley and have him stop by for a visit so that he and I can meet and both talk to Mom about our concerns.

Without leverage from the medical community or the law, I am unable to direct Mom to a situation that would be better for her.  I would like her to try a service where someone stops in each morning and afternoon.  With that kind of assistance, she can stay at home.  If she eventually loses her driver’s license, the service can drive her to see Dad.  She will probably tell me she “does not need babysitting.”

I’m going to be walking on eggshells during this visit…trying to keep her calm, keep the trust she has in me (most of the time)…and let her outbursts drift past me without taking them personally.  With some of things we’ll need to talk about, I am expecting outbursts.  I thought that surely by this time she would give up and be receptive to suggestions.  Nope.  She’s holding on to the idea that she cannot change her daily routine…and she hates her life.  She also hates the confusion she is experiencing (“I feel like I’m losing my mind.)…and I know she is fearful.

Mom ends most conversations with “I have too much to worry about and too much to do.” All she knows is fear and worry, especially when she is by herself…her sometimes very confused and delusional self.

Posted in Parental Journal, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 46 from Planet Elderly: Mom Has a Gentleman Caller – Literally

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Thursday, February 18, 2016  – evening

Mom on phone with Jerry Feb. 2016

Every morning between 8 and 8:30 a.m. Mom receives a call from her pal, Jerry. He and his wife lived in this area several years ago and belonged to a small group that included my folks. I think they all met at the local senior center or at bingo. There were four couples and they would get together to attend church dinners together or sometimes go to the casino.

Bit by bit, individuals died. Jerry and his wife moved to a rural area in southern Illinois where his wife died of cancer. He now lives with her cat who has finally adopted him, and he is an avid talker. I mean T.A.L.K.E.R. And loud.

Mom understands that he is lonely, but he also has his daily routine. He walks two miles every morning and then has coffee with some locals. He is a ham radio operator, enjoys growing vegetables, has a talent for working on old cars and old tractors, can fix anything, and he checks in on Mom every morning…sometimes twice a day.

Mom greets him cheerfully. From what I can hear, they seem to talk about the same things over and over…the weather…his belief that the country is going to hell…remembering things “the group” used to do together. They also give each other advice. Jerry asks about Dad every day. Mom says he has a group of ladies he calls. In addition, three sisters live on the property next door and they often invite him over for Sunday afternoon dinners.

Sometimes Mom giggles when they are on the phone together. Other times she looks very pained because she wants to get off the phone but he keeps talking. She holds the phone away from her head and rolls her eyes at me. I just laugh.

“He keeps saying the same thing over and over,” she says. (Hmmmm. Tell me about it, I say to myself.)

“He’s starting to forget things…can’t remember a name, but I tell him we all do that.” (Yup, we do.)

“He remembers when we danced together one time,” she said. “And he calls me ‘Hon.’ If anything happens to Dad, I’m not getting married again. No way.” (Probably a good idea.)

I return to Missouri tomorrow, and I’m ready. After living Mom’s routine day in and day out for about three weeks and having just 1 ½ hours to myself, I’m ready to resume my regular life for a few weeks…recharge the battery…spend time with family and friends…move into my new rental.  I’ll return in April, unless there’s some reason I need to return earlier.

Photos follow…
Rosco – a therapy visiting pet who had his very first visit in Dad’s wing Tuesday.

Rosco dog visitor Feb. 2016

 

Mom and Dad enjoying my homemade chocolate chip cookies, and yes, I enjoyed some as well. Okay, more than “some.” A lot. What can I say? Homemade chocolate chip cookies make taste buds weep with joy…and flabby pouches and butts groan with guilt. My bad.

Mom Dad and cookie Feb. 2016

 

Dad and chocolate chip cookie Feb 2016

Posted in Parental Journal, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 45 from Planet Elderly: Are We in a Full Moon Phase???

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Basically, I go along with the idea that when we are in a full moon phase…shit can happen. Just ask folks who work in emergency rooms or psych wards; just ask the police.

Reasons why I ask the question about the full moon phase:

Who took a tumble two nights ago while exiting the front door to check on how much snow had fallen? Moi! My left knee took the brunt f the fall and I vaguely remember catching myself with my hands and contorting my torso. I also yelped. Nothing broken. No head injury. Interesting deep purple bruise on my left knee.

Who leaves Walmart with a couple bags in hand, gets everything situated to drive away and then notices that the purse is not in the car and has probably been left in the store cart? Moi! I left Mom in the car and sprinted back inside. Fortunately, the Walmart greeter told me she found the purse and took it to the customer service desk. When I got there, they didn’t know anything about it but called someone to check. A minute later a nice young man approached me and told me they did have a purse and to follow him. It was secured in a locked room. Three cheers for an outstanding Walmart greeter and the store’s security action. I am soooooooo grateful!

Who spent yesterday morning wailing and crying and moaning at the top of their lungs? Wanda, Virginia, and Mary. When we arrived to visit Dad, he was for once bright-eyed and smiling. He looked truly happy and content…oblivious to the chaos around him. We could not say the same for the gals who carried on and on and on. Even the regularly silent residents seemed agitated, trying to get out of their wheelchairs, lifting legs and babbling…and everybody seemed to need to “go to the bathroom” at the same time. It sounded like an asylum from the 1800s in there yesterday. The staff did all they could to keep things as calm as possible. Wanda was particularly loud and demanding, so I sat next to her and tried to distract her with small talk. It worked. Today she decided I was her best friend and we would plan an escape together but we could not tell anyone.

Who decided to go out and shovel the short driveway because ¼ of an inch had accumulated? Mom. Oh….why in the hell not? She was “restless.” She said she had a great time.

So yeah…it’s been a crazy couple of days, but during it all Mom has been quite calm and content. No major flare-ups and just the usual worry about not having any money and my responsive coaching that she’s okay financially.

This is one of my longer visits and it’s been almost a year since the frequent visits started. Mom realizes that it’s helpful to have me around. We’ve accomplished a lot this visit and she is very appreciative:

*Changed home and car insurance thanks to suggestion from neighbor, Kevin

*Visited+ with new primary care physician who is aware of short-term memory issues and   scheduled annual exam for April

*Car oil/filter/tire rotation

*Dental check up

*New brakes for the car

*Transitioned to Comcast bundle for TV/phone/Internet and saved Mom $40/month from other TV and phone set up

*Paperwork organized for tax preparation; tax prep completed today (Whee! I’m celebrating with a glass of white wine.)

*Eye exam appointment

*Female doctor appointment and pessary cleaned

*Deciding what was okay to purge and shred from another box of old bills/statements

 

Mom often talks about needing to decide what she’s going to do about her future. “I need to decide what I want to do with my life.” She’s 89 and I think that’s a forward thinking thought.

In her mind, she doesn’t think she can make any changes until after she knows what will happen with Dad. At times, she would still like to find a way to bring him home. At times she talks about the possibility of moving to MO…but, of course, not wanting to be a burden to me. At other times, she thinks she should sell the townhouse and move to independent living to be closer to Dad. So she’s thinking of options…and the other night I mentioned the option of moving them both to MO. She listened quietly, but I don’t think it registered as a real option for her.

That’s okay. I plant seeds slowly and gently. I would even be happy if she consented to having a home care person come in mornings and early evenings just to help keep her organized or assist in other ways. We’ve talked about that…and how nice it would be because she could still live in her own home. That may be a serious option if she loses her driver’s license

While we were discussing options today, I showed Mom video clips of Lenoir Woods, a community in Columbia. She liked what she saw…but as soon as she hears that “independent living” apartments in multi-level care facilities commonly costs between $3,000 – $5,000 per month, she wants nothing to do with it. That’s understandable. I think her primary preference would be to have care in her own place—as needed–whether that’s where she is now or downsized into an apartment.

I head back to Missouri Friday. Will be busy for a while as I move into a new rental. I’ve been home sharing for three years with a dear friend. It’s been a wonderful experience. Now I’m ready to have my own place for a few years because having spent plenty of time in The Sunshine Wing up here, I know being in some kind of “senior community home” is probably in my future…so while I can, I want to experience a few years of living by myself.
I have never done so—always had a husband or my son when I was a single parent for a while—so this will be a new chapter. There is even an extra bedroom in case Mom wants or needs to visit.

Just keeping options open20150816_092007

Posted in Parental Journal, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 44 from Planet Elderly: “What Is His Disease?”

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Saturday, February 13, 2016 10 p.m.
Dad groggy today, but we managed to have him awake for lunch. A few bites of salad with ranch dressing helped wake him up. We ordered a hamburger for him because the other entrée options would not have been of interest to him. He’s a burger guy…so that’s usually a good bet, plus we asked him if he wanted a burger and he said, “That’s fine.”
Learned today that in the evenings is when he is most agitated. Sundown syndrome. When I asked what behaviors he exhibits, I was told yelling and hitting. Mom was devastated to hear this, but we tried to explain that this is “part of the disease.”

“What is his disease?” she asked with a tone of anxiousness.

“Alzheimer’s,” I said. She teared up.

Had the oil/filter change done on Mom’s car. Tires were rotated. Also had new wiper blades put on. When finished, I was told the car needs new brakes. These are folks who have taken care of Mom and the car for quite a while, so we trust them. She’s almost at 100,000 so needing new brakes is not a surprise. It’s scheduled for next Tuesday.

Things on Mom’s mind these past couple days:

Maybe get a job because on some days she is bored.

Yesterday she claimed that Dad called her “about three months ago.” She was positive. I just went with the flow…”Oh really? I don’t remember you saying anything about Dad calling you.” He has no phone access, he cannot hear on the phone, he cannot follow a conversation on the phone, he cannot dial a phone…but I did not say these things to her.
Confusion about income sources and where money is automatically deposited. At one point in that discussion I said, “I wish I could help you find a way to remember.” Bank books are labeled, a written list has been provided, we talk about money matters several times a week…and it just doesn’t stick. She tries…but it’s as if her brain is a sieve.

Confusion about what year it is. Today she thought it was 1996, so I suggested she check the calendar. All she could figure out was “2” as in the second month. I confirmed February, but I did not tell her it was 2016, not 1996. I was too tired.
I’m having more difficulty watching her short term memory problems get worse. Sometimes she is so child-like and I just want to hold her and tell her everything is as good as it can be for now. I wonder how quickly her confusion will progress and I’m hoping she will be okay until I return in April. I hope her annual exam in April will include more assessments of her cognitive functioning. I will write another confidential letter to her new doctor, list recent observations, and request additional assessments.

Recently, during one of our “coaching” discussions about money matters, I told Mom, “It’s important for you to be able to understand what banks you use, what day it is, and what appointments you have if you are going to live independently.” I thought she might react defensively when I said that, but she didn’t. She was rather quiet. She knows she is changing. I know she is changing.

How precious are the calm, tender moments and the laughter.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 43 from Planet Elderly: Code Expression – “You Have a Lot on Your Mind”

Posted on February 11, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

February 3, 2016 – early evening

Dad was quiet today and enjoyed the doughnut Mom brought. We all enjoyed a doughnut.

We had one emotional incident today. Mom’s been talking for weeks about needing to get her eyes examined. She was going to call for an appointment yesterday, but it slipped her mind. So I thought I’d help out and make the appointment for her while she was busy with Dad’s laundry.

When she heard me on the phone, she became angry and tearful…claiming she did not need to have a doctor’s appointment unless she was sick. I reminded her that she wanted the eye exam and has been talking about needing one for weeks. I was just trying to help.

This resulted in a disjointed discussion. It’s difficult to reason with her when she is upset or mad about something. (It’s difficult to reason with me, as well, when I’m in the same frame of mind!!)  She is appreciative of my assistance with bills, appointments, taxes, etc. but she is also resentful. She is not aware of how often she is confused about things. Maybe she’s aware on some level, but not in a way that she will admit.

Her Major Complaints About Me Today

I’m always watching her. I tried to clarify this with her, but we went round and round in circles.  I remembered advice from the Alzheimer’s.org discussion board…and I just shut up and let it go.

I don’t let her help me. Well, I don’t do much needing any help. Shower? Going to the bathroom? Eating? Getting dressed and undressed? I can do all those things by myself, thank you very much.  At least for now.

Today I sorted through papers to get things organized for having taxes done in two weeks, but that’s a one person job. Being on the phone to schedule, change, or cancel an appointment – a one person job.

So we had a heated discussion, but it calmed down fairly quickly. We are both strong willed. We are both independent. Must be genetic.

Meanwhile, my makeshift bird feeder is seeing some action:

makeshift bird feeder feb 2016

 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016 early afternoon

I find myself using a code expression with Mom. It goes like this: “Well, Mom, you have a lot on your mind.” What I mean is: “Mom, you’re confused.”

On very few occasions have I talked about my concern about her confusion. It just doesn’t register. Her interpretation is: “I have too many things to think about.”

For the past few days Dad has been very groggy when we visited. That means he was probably given some medication sometime during the night to address agitation.

Mom continues to cry every day. She grieves for Dad and still wishes he could be home…even if just for a weekend.

Meanwhile, when we hang out in the Sunshine Wing, I sometimes sit next to Wanda (100) and let her take the lead in our discussions. I learned that she will be 101…and although it took a while, she remembered when: February 24. I also learned that my first name is the same as her sister’s first name. I don’t know if her sister is still living.
Anyway, we sit arm-in-arm and chat. She asks questions and I try to give some logical response.
“Are they here yet?” she might ask.
“Oh, not yet,” I’d reply.
She will offer me some of her goldfish crackers, “Here. Have one.”
“Oh thanks, but I’m not hungry.”
“Go ahead! Go ahead! Have one!!”
“That’s okay. I don’t want to ruin my lunch.”
“Yeah,” she would say…and then her attention would wander.
One time yesterday she tapped me on the arm. “Do you like me?”
“I sure do!” I replied. “Do you like me?”
She gave me a big smile, patted my arm and said, “Ye

Here’s a photo of Zack, one of the caretaker assistants.  I talked him into posing with Wanda’s  doll baby for my blog.   “What’s a blog?” he asked.

IMG_20160205_111555292

 

Recent observations – Mom:

Yesterday we had lunch with Judy (the daughter of one of the other residents), and Mom said she was 99 when Judy asked how old she was.

“99??!!” Judy replied.

“Yes, I think so,” Mom said. “I think Dad is in his 80’s.”

So I stepped in and straightened things out. “You’re 89, Mom, and Dad is “93.”

“He is??”

“Yup.”

Judy’s mom is also 89.

 

Mom continues to have difficulty with the microwave. She isn’t able to set it for the right time. She ends up microwaving something for 2 or 5 seconds…over and over and over.

Yesterday she brought over an old pair of red bowling shoes that she has had for decades. “Are these yours?”
“No, Mom. They’re yours. Remember?”
“Hmmmmm. Not really. I used to like bowling. Dad and I went bowling sometimes.”

 

After lunch yesterday, we took half of our lunch home. Mom had half of a cheeseburger; I had ribs. She put the burger in the microwave for about 40 seconds to heat it up for dinner. She went downstairs to check on laundry and when she returned, she heated up some leftover sloppy joe and ate that.
I did not say anything. It was hard not to remind her, but I also want to see what she does when she discovers such errors. I don’t know when she discovered it, but the leftover cheese burger was back in the fridge by morning.

 

Today she again took the leftover cheeseburger and put it in the microwave. We were waiting for the Comcast technician to arrive. It cooked for five seconds. Mom forgot about it and made herself a salami sandwich. She discovered the leftover cheeseburger in the microwave a few minutes ago when she went to use it. She did not say anything. I did not say anything. All I know is that as I write this, I’m sitting in an another room and I keep hearing her trying to get the electric can opener to work and the microwave going off. I think she’s attempting to make chili. I hope she remembers to add the chili seasoning this time. If not, I can always doctor it up.

Continued confusion about what day it is and when she has appointments. She has a couple doctor appointments in April and they are on the calendar, but she keeps thinking they are “tomorrow.”

Continued confusion about money. “I don’t have any money.” “I wish I had my own checking account.” “Who pays for Dad’s care?” “What banks do we use?” So…I repeatedly coach and explain money matters…and I remind her that I wrote all this down so she could read it if she had any questions about money. The information is in the bottom dresser drawer…until she moves it to a place she can’t remember. We have this discussion at least three times a week, sometimes more.

Before going to see Dad today, we were scheduled for a Comcast technician to stop by and make sure our new setup is working okay. We had a terrific time with Doug Vaughn who was entertaining with stories about his family and very helpful. He also served in the Navy for 8 years. He helped reduce the wire clutter and made sure the phone service part of our bundle was up and running. Mom insisted he have one of the shortbread cookies I made. Before he left, he gave us his personal phone number in case Mom/we had any problems or questions in the future. He lives in the area. On the drive over to see Dad, Mom went on and on about what a smart and nice man he was. Indeed!

Mom and Comcast guy, Doug 021016.jpg

Posted in Parental Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 42 from Planet Elderly: New Primary Care Physician

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

February 1, 2016  5 p.m.

After a morning visit with Dad, who snoozed the whole time, Mom and I did some errands, had soup for lunch, and went for her get-to-know-you visit with her new primary care physician, Dr. Mohina Gupta.

I think the visit went well.  Mom liked the nurse who reviewed her history and medicine and then took Mom’s vitals.

Dr. Gupta was very attentive and upbeat.  Mom is in very good physical health and her only operation has been cataract surgery.

While questioning Mom about how things are going, Dr. Gupta looked at me and started to make a reference to “a letter I received from you,” but I gave her the “don’t-say-anything” look and she gracefully moved her comments along.

When Dr. Gupta asked Mom if she had any problem with leaving the stove on or burning things, Mom answered an emphatic, “No!”

When asked about any forgetfulness, Mom admitted to “a little.”   Dr. Gupta learned that Mom lives independently. “That’s good,” she said.  When asked if she maintains her checking account and writes checks, Mom said that she relies on me.  That gave the doctor an opportunity to do a tiny two-part peak at Mom’s cognitive functioning.  First, she asked Mom how much 100 minus 3 is.  Mom was not able to do that despite given ample time.  When asked how much 10 minus 3 is, Mom responded, “7.”   Second, Dr. Gupta told Mom she would give her three words and ask her to remember them later.  The three words were given, Mom repeated them, and about 10 minutes later, she was unable to remember any of them.

Dr. Gupta explained that there are some medicines that will help improve short-term memory and asked Mom if she would be willing to try it.  “No.”   The doctor tried to nudge her a bit by saying it is better to take the medicine now instead of a year from now when “things could be worse.”  Mom said she doesn’t want to take any more medicine.

The issue was dropped and we agreed to schedule another appointment for April.  At that time Mom will have her annual exam and annual blood work will be done a week before the visit.  The appointment is scheduled for Wed. April 20.

Mom enjoyed the visit and I was pleased.  Dr. Gupta did read the information I sent to her, she gave Mom two standard initial assessment items, and maybe after the appointment in April she will dig a bit deeper into assessing Mom’s short-term memory issues and/or make a referral to a neurologist.

Posted in Parental Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 41 from Planet Elderly: Scary Doll Baby

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Friday, January 29, 2016  3:30 p.m.

Quite a contrast between yesterday and today.

Yesterday Dad waved at me when we arrived and announced, “Here’s my daughter.”   When he saw Mom he said, “There’s Mother.  There’s my girl!”   Mom was delighted.  She giggled and kissed him.  “She’s one of the best gals.  She knows her dad knows everything.”

Folks 01 Jan 28 2016

 

During the visit Dad was quite interested in all the folks moving about.  Someone was repairing the TV, someone was cleaning rooms, someone was delivering food carts for lunch, and his new roommate was trying to get out of his wheelchair, but couldn’t quite manage the strength to do so.  “He’s not worth much,” Dad said as he watched him.

Dad looked at Mom and me and smiled.  “Here’s a big team,” he said and laughed.

 

Things were different today.  He sat with his eyes closed.  I learned that he was given anti -anxiety medicine in the middle of the night.  When that happens, he’s quite groggy the next day.

When Mom was out of the area I asked the nurse what Dad does when he is “agitated.”  I was told he yells…is restless…sometimes tries to hit others…sometimes he spits out his medicine.  She also said it doesn’t happen often.  Sometimes it happens after Mom visits.

Sunday, January 31, 2016  3:45 p.m.

More grogginess yesterday and today…at least during the beginning of our visits.

Yesterday I asked him, “Dad, would you like to open your eyes?”

“I don’t know,” he said.  Under the influence of meds, I’m sure he didn’t know.  His lids probably felt quite heavy.  But Mom brought a plain cake donut again and after eating it with his eyes closed, he perked up.  Some of his gem comments yesterday included:

“I’m doing pretty good.  I’m prettier than good.”

“All the girls love me now.”

“I just can’t help but love me.

Mom was smiling, but she also reminded Dad who his wife is.  She’s not happy when he talks about other “girls.”

To Mom:  “You just pay attention to me.  I have a beautiful head of hair.”

“I just make a beautiful picture.”

It must be nice to be 93 and have so much self-confidence.

 

Today’s visit was quiet at first.  Mom resisted bring him a donut.  Dad was groggy until lunch and then he announced that he was “not going to eat here.”

This was one of the days he questioned where he was and what he was supposed to do.  He wanted to know if we knew where the car was.  He seemed to think he was going somewhere…or wanted to.  He was a bit loud and it took a while for me to calm him down. I just explained that Mom and I were going to go do laundry.  That’s our exit line.  We don’t say “We’re going home.”  That might trigger an outburst.

Even though we used the excuse of going to do laundry and would see him “later,” he looked worried.

“Promise?”

“Yes, Dad.  I promise.  Everything’s okay now.”

“Ok, then.  You take care.”

“I will Dad.  I will.”

Prior to leaving, we saw Mom’s friend, Dorothy, again.   It was nice to visit for a while and we talked about maybe having lunch together next week.  Mom always feels better after visiting with Dorothy.

 

Notes on Mom:

On the way to see Dad today she said, “I have a stupid question for you.  What day were you born?    I don’t even know when Dad’s birthday is.  I think it’s in July.”

Last night we had another tutoring session about bank accounts.  She thinks the social security checks are meant to help pay Dad’s expenses.  Nope.  There’s a money market fund set up for that.

She knows she meets her new primary care physician tomorrow.  (And she hasn’t said anything about not needing to see a new doctor.  Yea!!)

She made spaghetti dinner last night, but had some difficulty.  She put the angel hair pasta in the water before it was boiling…forgot to turn on the burner to heat the sauce.  Eventually she got it all put together.  “It’s been so long since I’ve had spaghetti.  This is good!”  It was.

Scary Doll Baby

A few of the ladies in the memory care unit hold doll babies in their laps.  I’m sure the act brings back fond maternal memories.  Among the supply of doll babies, the nurse found one that looks a bit different.

scary dolly Jan 2016

Wanda (100) is very protective of her pretty doll baby.  She doesn’t let anyone touch it, and yells loudly if anyone attempts to do so.    The nurse said that when she offered Wanda  the “different” doll baby to hold, she freaked out—BIG TIME.  I can only imagine.  When Wanda isn’t happy, the whole first floor wing knows.

When Ruth saw the different doll baby she said, “Somebody needs to run over it.”

So we showed Dad what I now called “The Scary Doll Baby.”    His only comment:  “This one looks messed up.”scary dolly and dad Jan 30 2016

So the lonely Scary Doll Baby sits on a table, far away from Wanda…and everyone else.

N.B:   Feb. 1, 2016.   No sign of Scary Doll Baby anywhere in the community room today.

Posted in Parental Journal | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Parental Journal 40 from Planet Elderly: Pastries and Purging Papers

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Jenny Mummert

Wednesday, January 27, 2016 – 3:30 p.m.

Quite a contrast in Dad between yesterday and today.  Yesterday he was still in comedian mode.  Today he was rather sleepy and didn’t say too much.

On the way to yesterday’s visit, Mom and I stopped at Lovin Oven Cakery.

Mom and Lovin Oven Cakery Jan 26 2016

We picked out some pastries to bring to the staff in Dad’s wing, and we bought a plain cake donut that has always been his favorite.

Goodies at Lovin Oven Cakery January 2016

Our server, Sarah, was kind enough to cut our selections in half so we could more easily have reasonable portions to share.

Sarah at Lovin Oven Cakery January 2016

They had a specialty item:  maple glazed bacon long johns.  Sarah tried to talk us into trying one because they are such a favorite.  Had to pass.   I refuse to betray my primal love for a good cheese Danish.

bacon covered long johns at Lovin Oven Cakery Jan. 2016

Dad was on a “great” and “best” theme yesterday.  He talked about his father:  “He sure showed the world that he was the greatest guy there is.”     “He deserved all the good stuff.”

Grandpa Carl was pretty special, and although he was my step-grandpa, I have very fond memories of spending some summers in Syracuse, NY when I was a preteen.  We fished for perch in Oneida Lake…but of course, he had to put the worm on the hook.  And I’m sure that watching him garden was one reason I enjoyed gardening as an adult.

Other comments from Dad:

“I’m enjoying it.  The best of everything for me.”

To Mom:  “You got the best of everything.  You got me.”

“I think we’ve gotten the best that there is.”

“Great…great…great.  What a world!”

Between the pastry sugar highs and Dad’s comments on the great and best in life….it was a fun visit.

Purging Papers

Yesterday afternoon I had to see if I could find more documentation to assist with tax preparation.  I found some items, but not others.  Mom had no clue of what had arrived…even though I asked her to put all mail in one pile for when I return.  “I don’t get any mail,” she often says.

I got lucky, though.  I found some important papers in the first drawer I tackled.  Then one drawer led to another and we ended up spending three hours purging old bank and utility statements and shredding them.  Mom likes shredding.  She’s also quite patient when it locks up.

At one point Mom came into the room I was in and asked if I needed anything.  I was on the floor buried in papers.  “Wine,” I said.  Sure enough.  She came back with the bottle of Riesling I had in the fridge.  “I might need some, too,” she said.

My folks don’t have a filing system.  They have an envelope system.  They’re everywhere…but at least we tackled one small dresser of them.  There’s a bunch under the bed, but Mom forbids me from going there.  Okey dokey………..for now.

One thing I’m grateful for:  My folks live fairly simply…and even at that there is/will be a lot of stuff to sort through.  I can’t imagine what it is like for folks whose parents have 75 years’ worth of S.T.U.F.F….from their youth, their kids, their grandkids.  At least I’ve been spared that.

And today…Dad was quiet.  He sat with his eyes closed.  Mom brought him another donut from Jewel, but he did not open his eyes to look at it.  He just ate it…with his eyes closed.  Why not?Dad Jan 28 2016 eating donut with eyes closed

 

Also today…we went to Dad’s new room:  130.  It has a double window…so lots of natural light.  He has a new roommate, Franz, who is new to the unit and rather quiet.

After we arrived, the staff showed Mom how Dad reacts if they attempt to have him try walking with a walker.  There were three persons assisting and Dad was unable to understand what to do.  “What the hell’s going on?” he shouted.  Mom cried.  Part of her still wants him home where she can take care of him, but that is impossible.  Most of the time she realizes he is safe and comfortable where he is, plus medical emergencies can be addressed quickly and efficiently.  And as we heard yesterday… he thinks things are pretty “great” and he’s enjoying the “best.”

Joe and Jan

Married residents Joe and Jan have both passed away. He was once in the Air Force; she was a teacher at one time. Joe died several weeks ago.  Afterwards, Jan went downhill quickly.  The change seemed dramatic to me:  she was in a wheelchair, barely spoke, slept a lot…not at all the lively gal who would bebop around the community room dusting and taking care of her sweet Joe.

Sunday I noticed that Jan’s bedroom door was closed and an “Oxygen in Use” sign was on her door.  Monday her nameplate was gone and her room was being emptied.  When I asked the nurse if Jan had died, she nodded and had tears in her eyes.

To Joe and Jan:  Good night, sweet lovers.

Posted in Parental Journal | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment